In relationships, there seems to be a bit of confusion between two things: Love, and Need. Do you know what your relationship based on? The truth might be a little surprising.
When you truly love, you don’t need anything in return. Otherwise, it’s not really love; it’s an offering to mask fear. Fear that you aren’t good enough or worthy enough of someone else, or in truth and most importantly, yourself. And you use your love in hopes to gain love back. Like a trade, or really, a bribe. “I’ll love you if you love me.” “I’ll do this for you to express my love, if you do this for me to express yours.” “I’ll look, speak, and act this way for you, if you look, speak, and act this way for me”.
This is also known as conditional love.
Conditional love’s best friend is expectation and together they do more than ruin and dissolve relationships, they obliterate them. Sometimes quickly but most often times very slowly, and very painfully.
If both parties complete their assigned conditions as expected, the exchange of “love” can be completed. She did her part, he did his, everyone is happy, in “love”, and wonderfully perfect. But what happens when a condition isn’t met? What happens when one falls short of the condition or expectation, or even fails completely? Oh boy, watch out! Arguments, fighting, slammed and locked doors, fingers pointed, and direct and forceful blame assignments tossed around without hesitation; Lots of emotions running wild, lots of pain and suffering, and lots of tears. Any of that sound familiar in your relationship?
The problem with this type of need is that it’s like a drug. You seem to reach your max only to unveil a new one, and the struggle begins to reach the next new high and outdo the last one.
When is enough ever enough? When are you satisfied or fulfilled?
Before you know it, the bar has been raised again and you now find yourself needing more. The conditions increase; the demands rise, and sadly so do the conflicts if the needs aren’t met. Most often times, there is no max, there is never enough, and the struggle will get harder and harder to fill the missing holes internally until finally, the frustration and anger gets hold of you, you take it out on your surprised spouse or partner, and the battle is lost. Chances are, the other person with whom you hold the expectations with, will eventually break down and give up and not know what to do anymore as it will be completely obvious to them that the love they have to give isn’t good enough, isn’t strong enough, and isn’t right for you. How do you think that feels to a person? Not so good. Often times conditional love is only in existence from one person in the couple which leaves the other person feeling they have to constantly do more and be more to feel that they are good enough for the other person. Eventually this truth will sink in, and the relationship will fail.
There is a void there, and you are trying to fill it with attention and love from another person, most often times in a very specific and controlled way.
When you have a need to be loved by another person, what you truly need is the love of self that obviously isn’t there. But assigning someone else to fill that hole for you (often times in a very specific and demanding way) leaves you never being fulfilled. No one else can ever be the replacement for you not loving yourself. Eventually the truth will come out, and sadly, may cost you a relationship or marriage in the process.
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